Its been soo long since I've updated, but I've been wanting to for sooo long but I wasnt sure, but I know now since I've talked about, I think its also a good idea that I write about it. What happened on June 25, 2005 stills baffels me, I dont understand why these things happen, nor why they happen to certain people. There is soo much to explain so I'm just gonna lay it out....

   That weekend Danielle, Liz, Rafa, Jessica, Cas, Danielle's family, and I went camping to celebrate Danielle's 20th b-day. That saturday was awesome, we were having fun at Lake Isabella getting sun and swimming around. We then decided to drive to a section of the lake that had an island. Josh said, "Whoever gets to that island first gets to name it", well of course he was the first one to get to it so by the time I had even started swimming he was already there. After minutes of swimming Danielle and I had sucessfully made it to the Island to join Jess, Liz, and Josh. Why we were resting one the Island well yell out to Cas who was on the shore with Rafa ( Rafa isnt a good swimmer), to come and join us. He finally jumps in and right off was swimming very quickly. We were in amazement on how quickly he was coming towards us, then we start noticing that he was slowing down and we yelled "tread water" then he suddenly grunted and then yelled "HELP!", all of us suddenly jumped into the water, Danielle being the strongest got to him the quickest. Right when she was about arms lenght from him he went under. She tried to grab something, an arm, leg, just something. We all frantically looked for him, called out his name and at the same time praying to God that he was playing a cruel joke on us. We yelled at Rafa to get help, and at nearby people to help us. No one came, fucking people just looked us. Finally while me, Josh, and Jessica were swimming to shore a guy on a jet ski came to where Danielle and Liz were at and they told him what happened and he started looking around for him, but still nothing. By the time I had swam to shore Danielle's parents had gotten there and was asking us what had happend and we were telling them. At that time everythig seems like it was moving so quickly, the sheriff came he questioned us, well all told him our names and information along with Cas's information. They called search and rescue, we all stood there waiting and still hoping that we had swam to shore somehow and was hiding behind a bush somewhere just waiting to come out and say "haha bitches, u got punked"....I am still waiting for that day to come. Hours later they found his body at the bottom of the lake, right where he had went down. We all packed up at went home the next day, eveyrthing was very quiet, no one wanted to speak, it was soo hard coming home. It was even harder facing him mom when we went to drop off his stuff. Days following the accident was the hardest, my thoughts were consumed with what had happened that day. It was like a constant movie playing over and over again just seeing all over again what I saw. I would even see it in my sleep. The funeral was the hardest, many people were gawking at us, they knew we were there when he died.

And now weeks following Cas's death, I still have dreams about that day, and his mom blames everyone who was there for what happened. What do I do? There is soo much animosity and drama that it is comsuming our lives. I know that in my heart Cas wouldnt any of this, but what are we supposed to do? I hate having all this anger and getting constant phone calls from someone who wants to "talk", when in reality all that person wants to is blame you. What do I do? Everytime I had a problem Cas would always give me his advice on what I should do, he was the only one that ever replied to my LJ. This is the biggest crisis that I have ever been in and the one person that would be able to help me is the what the whole crisis is about. Its just been soo damn frustrating. What would do I do?

P.S.- I miss you Cas